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| by Luci

Post #60: Running Away is Not the Solution

Everything is under control! I keep on telling myself that, but is that even true? It has to be, as it seems like my life is once again falling apart. You think everything will go as planned and once you reach that moment of happiness,  boom, things change faster than you can even imagine.

I gave Amr my one month notice and had to force myself to work on a daily basis, hoping we’d have minimum contact, which of course was too farfetched. What was I even thinking getting into a relationship with my boss? Not thinking, that’s for sure! I was all positive, but once I ended things between us, I felt like it was a new era for me, one with no drama and where I can start over in a place far away, perhaps get a new job in Dubai or London. I made some pretty good connections over there, they might be able to help me out.

I had that strong push and power, which honestly I had no idea where it came from, but I started adjusting my CV and putting together a list of potential companies.

Dina: I can’t believe it, you’re actually thinking of moving to another country?

Me: I have no other choice, it’s time for some serious changes.

Dina: Yes you do, you can still do major changes while still being here. What would I do without you?

Me: Don’t be a drama queen Dina, I already have enough on my plate. Let’s talk again towards the end of the day, I need to finish up work asap.

That’s when Amr made an appearance to my office, we've been avoiding each other for a while now and I started involving Youssef with my projects as he’s the one I recommended to take over my position.

Amr: So this is your final decision?

Me: You gave me no other choice. You knew this was going to happen the moment both of us decided to be together.

Amr: I didn’t know things would end up badly.

Me: Well, I’m not the one to blame here. Let’s keep things at work strictly professional, I don’t want any unnecessary drama at work, please.

He nodded and made his way out. What the hell did he even come in to say? He didn’t add anything proper to the conversation. I started feeling empty inside, or in other words really numb. That’s it! I need to start emailing my CV asap and taking some proper actions.

My mother wasn’t too happy with the news of me seeking a new job outside of Egypt, but when I told her everything I went through and that I want to get away for a while, she was more prone the whole idea. She even wished me good luck and promised to speak to some of her friends in Dubai to help me out.

I spent the whole weekend doing nothing but sending out emails and calling up the people I know in Dubai. Now was the time to use all my connections, Remember my Italian friend Giovanni? I even gave him a call. We weren’t in touch anymore since I had fallen head over heels for Amr, but now thinking of Amr gave me that weird feeling in my stomach. 

Giovanni: I’d love to help you out, you know that Luci. Send me your CV and let me talk to some of my friends and we’ll make it happen. But tell me, what went wrong?

I told him all about Amr and how stupid I was to risk my own job for a relationship.

Giovanni: I don’t think you’re stupid, we all do things we don’t necessarily think through. You know, it’s totally okay to walk out of someone’s life if you don’t feel like you belong there anymore. So, you did the right thing, don’t worry about it.

Me: I know, but I actually thought I meant a bit more to him than that.

We talked a bit more and then it was time for me to give Dina a call as I was a bit rude to her the other day. It's weird i've been getting a lot of mood swings lately. I've been trying to stay strong and act as if everything is okay, but sometimes  it hits me hard and there’s nothing I can do about it other than stay positive and hope for the best.

Dina: Oh, you remembered me!

Me: Of course I did, you were on the top of my list, right after the 100 something calls I made.

Dina: You’re actually going ahead with the job thing, aren’t you?

Me: Yup, dead serious about it!

Dina: Talk to me, how are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

Dina: No you’re not, at least be honest to yourself about that.

Me: I am.

Dina: Luci, I know you better than anyone out there. Don’t fake being ok, you’ll only end up hurting yourself more. Just be real with what you’re going through instead of letting it consume you. You don’t need drastic changes to feel that you’re ok. Balance is the most important thing here.

Me: Does that apply to me wanting to find a job elsewhere? Do you think I’m escaping?

Dina: Can you say otherwise? Would that have been your decision if you were still with Amr?

Me: I don’t think so, but things changed and now it’s time I do some changes as well.

Dina: Trust me, I’m with you on whatever you decide to do, I just want you to think about it when things are a bit calmer. Once you’ve left your job, take a vacation, travel, relax and have  some fun. Then think it through with a clearer and unbiased mind. You know what I mean?

I couldn’t tell Dina, but I actually agreed with each and every word that came out of her mouth. She’s right, but I was too stubborn to admit it.

The next day at the office, Amr made another appearance to talk.

Me: What’s up Amr, why are you here? If it’s work then you’re more than welcome. Anything else I don’t have time for it.

Amr: Honestly I thought you’d be a bit more civilized than this?

Me: You’re the one to say that, huh?

Amr: Luci, we can still talk things through, it doesn’t have to end like this. Don’t be that mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. I’m hurt. There’s a big difference! You have no idea how worthless you made me feel. You didn’t even try to fight for me. You made a huge deal out of nothing. I didn’t do anything bad to you, and even though I didn’t want to get into a relationship again, I trusted you not to hurt me, but you did and for some stupid reason. Think about that before you come talking to me again. I only have less than two weeks to go here, so please respect the fact that I’m trying to be professional and leave all of our drama behind at work.

He got me so angry at him, I could feel my heartbeat rising, as if I've been running around for an hour. Luckily, I got a message with good news. Giovanni texted saying: “Seems like you’ve made a pretty good name for yourself here. I talked to the CEO of company X here, I’m sure you know it, it has some of the biggest clients and he’s interested to set up a meeting for you to join the team.”

WTF! That’s not just good news, that’s excellent news. Regardless if this job goes through or not, it proves that there’s hope, and that I’m strong enough to go anywhere with my CV. Way to go Luci!

Even though things are pretty messy I I am trying to accept what has happened and move on, I should stay positive as time will, hopefully, heal all wounds. Right?I strongly believe that in the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how well you lived and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you. I choose to continue smiling no matter how hurt I am and live my life to the fullest. Question is, will I be able to pull through?

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