April 11, 2020 11:00 AM | by Luci
Post #98: I'm Freaking Out
So in my last post I left you in an overwhelmed freak out state, and nope nothing has changed since then, in terms of how I've been feeling.
Faisal insisted on calling our families and telling them the, 'happy news' however I think on some level he thought if we share the news, then I'll come to terms with it more.
Of course his family were over the moon, I mean they've been hoping for a grandchild since his first marriage.
My parents were also so happy, especially my mum. She practically screamed when we FaceTimed her. I found it weird that no one from my family or his commented on me being pregnant during the whole Corona/pandemic time we’re in. I mean isn't anyone afraid for my safety or the safety of this child?
I decided to call Dina, she went through this (link to article where Dina finds out she is pregnant) and it seems like she is the only one who may understand.
Dina: "Shit, who died? What's wrong?"
I thought I did a good fake happy voice, but I guess she saw right through it.
Me: "Dina I'm pregnant and freaking the &%#$ out!"
I gave Dina a recap of what's been going on with me and how I've been feeling. I even told her that abortion actually crossed my mind at this point.
Me: All that stuff you said before about feeling a connection to your child when you first found out you were pregnant and not wanting to give it up. I feel none of that.
Dina: Luci, I went through that. I just didn't tell you, you and I talked after that freak out phase of mine and reached the connection phase. What you're feeling is very normal I promise. Didn't you always want a family?
Me: Yeah, someday, not this soon. I had so much I wanted to do Dina and it feels like everything is going to pause now. It feels like I have to say goodbye to the old version of me, goodbye to the spontaneous life I was living.
Dina: Who said you're not going to love the new version of you or the new lifestyle? I didn't think I'd love motherhood, but a lot of the times it feels like the missing piece of puzzle.
Me: Things with Faisal have been so rocky Dina, I don't think we're ready for a child. And I don't want this child to be the thing that hold us together and the love and passion doesn't exist. I don't want that life.
Make sure to read my next post Saturday at 11:00 AM (Cairo time) for more updates on my situation during this Coronavirus outbreak.
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