March 06, 2016 12:00 AM | by Luci
Post #80: Forever After?
Whoever thinks that getting butterflies and excitement are one of the core things for a happy relationship, probably doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Let me tell you this, I was one of these people, but the last period has proved me wrong. So wrong, I can’t even begin to tell you.
How stressful can wedding preparations get? Weddings are so overrated anyway, so why should they bring in so much stress? Or perhaps it’s not the wedding itself that brings in the stress, but rather what it symbolizes, which is a new beginning and a new part of your life you’re about to step into.
I know, I know, you get the picture by now, I’m freaking out and it’s obvious. Adding to all that, the fact that Faisal and I have been going through a rough time because of several issues we’ve been discussing and hitting a dead end with.
Me: Dina, I don’t even know if I should get married or not.
Dina: Oh yeah, are you saying that three days before your wedding?
Me: I’m just making conversation, I needed to let it out. Stop acting all wise on me.
Dina: Ok, let me try and be supportive here. Why do you say so?
Me: There are tons of issues we disagree on, and I feel like I’m finding out new things about him, things that I might not like that much.
Dina: Well, you’ll always continue finding out new things about him. We, as human beings, constantly change and evolve, so he’s never going to be the same and neither are you. Any other questions?
Me: Stop being such a *****, my concerns are all very logical.
Dina: Then talk to him about it, and not me. I’d love to listen to what you have to say and you know I’ll always be there for you, but if you want to solve things, then it has to be a two way communication, plus I’m too hormonal these days, I feel like the baby is going to pop out any time now.
Me: Did you find out the gender yet?
Dina: Nope, I want to surprise myself. I just hope if it’s a girl she turns out like you and not me. I won’t be able to deal with her if she’s anything like me.
Me: Hahahaha yeah we all know you’re a hand-full, but either way, you’ll be an amazing mother, that I know for sure.
After talking to Dina, I realized she’s totally right. I need to discuss everything with Faisal and see how it’ll turn out, instead of having internal struggles.
Now we’re down to two days before the wedding, and I finally got my courage together to call him up, I didn’t talk much, but the only thing I insisted on was the fact that we need to talk urgently that day. I obviously freaked him out, because he left work and came immediately.
Faisal: What’s wrong Luci? Are you ok?
Me: Yes I am, but I felt like we needed to talk some things through, seeing the wedding is on Friday.
Faisal: Talk about what? Are you getting cold feet?
Me: I’m not sure what to call it, but I don’t think it is. It’s just that there are a few things I want us to sort out first. Faisal, why do you want to marry me?
Faisal: Are you PMSing?
Me: Take my question seriously.
Faisal: Ok, ok, but it’s just that I thought it was obvious, but apparently it needs further clarification. I want to marry you because I love you, we’re compatible and we get each-other.
Me: I don’t think we get each-other as much as you think we do.
Faisal: And why is that?
Me: For instance, you make decisions on my behalf, if you knew me well, you wouldn’t have assumed a certain career path for me. You wouldn’t let me keep on wondering for hours what the hell you’re thinking when we’re mad at each-other, instead of actually communicating, and you wouldn’t assume the worst of me every time I share with you something.
Faisal: Oh wow, am I that bad?
Me: I’m not saying that.
Faisal: Yes, this is exactly what you’re saying Luci. I can hear it clearly. Now the question for you my dear is why do you want to get married to me? Because right now, I see you doubting it, more than you’re actually excited about it.
Me: This is your ego talking, you know how much I love you and you know that throughout the past period and everything I just mentioned, I was usually the one who would compromise and try to make things get back to normal between us. I’m not here to doubt us getting married, but rather find a solution to things like these, because once we get married we need to find a different and more adult-like way to deal with downs.
He didn’t answer that, and I continued saying: “But then again, it seems like your ego is listening to whatever it chooses to listen to. I think “he’s” the problem with what’s currently taking place. It all comes down to one thing at this very point, which organ you decide to put ahead first and moving forward, will it be your heart or your ego?”
He also didn’t give me an answer to that, we were sitting there for three very silent minutes.
Faisal: Yes Luci, I heard everything you said. Seems like we both need to think things through again.
Me: But I want us to have a decent conversation, together, not a monologue with you and yourself.
Faisal: I need to think Luci, I’ll call you later. Bye
And just like that, he bounced off of the couch and left. My heart dropped down and that was the moment I got most disappointed in my life. At that exact moment, I felt like calling my parents to ask them to call off the wedding, but one tiny thing held me back from doing that.
I spent that whole day angry and decided to just go sleep and ignore my phone instead. Tomorrow is a new day, I told myself, and I can act accordingly. Let me tell you that I managed to sleep really well on that day, and woke up around 10 in the morning. For a few seconds, I was extremely happy and excited I was going to get married the next day, but then it hit me, that there’s a big possibility of that no longer taking place. I hear a lot of noise downstairs, and go down to check what my mum is up to. To my surprise, mum was moving tables with Faisal. I stood there for a second not able to comprehend the situation. Was he there to tell them we’re officially breaking up? But if that was the case, why would he be helping her out? Or maybe he was just waiting for me to drop the bomb. I could pretend that I’m still sleeping and then he would have to do it on his own.
Faisal: Luci, good morning!
Mum: Good morning honey, did you sleep well?
Me: Yeah, very well.
Faisal: Can we talk? (and we went upstairs again)
Me: What is it you want to talk about? I’m done honestly. Yesterday, I wanted you to show me that we can actually make it, but you proved the contrary.
Faisal: Yeah, but that was yesterday. You know how I’m like with communication, I’m terrible. And you also know that I like to think things through before talking, you put me on the spot.
Me: So what? A lot of things will require you acting on the spot, and this was a big thing for me, but you chose to just escape instead.
Faisal: Please hear me out, I want to change that about myself, to be able to communicate better with you. Here’s the thing, I never ever felt the need to change myself for someone or better yet to be able to bridge the gap between me and someone, but with you it’s different. I want to do that because I want us to be the kind of couple who would get through anything, regardless of how tough it might be. This is how much I love you.
Me: Interesting. Now if that was said yesterday, I would have agreed to marry you hehe
Faisal: Oh, you’re not going to?
Me: Keep talking, maybe I’ll change my mind along the way.
Faisal: You know I don’t believe in the regular crap of not being able to live because of someone is not around, but if you're not being around, that does affect my well-being.
Me: Keep on using professional words like “well-being” and let’s see where that will get you.
Faisal: Woman, slow down, I’m trying here. Honestly, I wouldn’t imagine my life without you, you bring me joy, laughter, stability and excitement. And guess what? You’re actually the only person in my entire life I have ever felt that way about. So are we doing this?
I squeezed his hand tightly, and then said: “I want to do this more than I want to do anything else.”
The important thing I realized one day before my wedding, was the reason I was scared as hell from the idea of marriage; I completely misunderstood it. I was afraid to go into it as I wasn’t sure how solid our relationship was and if I was going to get out of marriage the things I was looking for. What I ignored was the fact you need to put much more into it, before expecting anything out of it. Things like friendship, trust, communication, respect and intimacy. That day, I promised myself to always keep that in mind. Love is a promise to guard someone’s heart as much as you protect your own.
Stay tuned to my next post, as I’ll be walking you through each and every detail of my wedding day…
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